Thursday, January 7, 2010

Let's take a survey!

By Ellipses

Michael Steele sent me a survey from the Republican National Committee. Let's make fun of it.

Monday Morning

Good job staying away from an alpha-numeric date. Play to your audience of lowest common denominators.

Your immediate action is required

Holy fearmongering, Batman!

Please carefully read and complete the enclosed 2010 Obama Agenda Survey which is REGISTERED in your name and affixed with a tracking code to ensure that it is accounted for in the tabulated results.

I didn't add any emphasis there. That whole bit about the tracking code... am I the only one who thinks that if this survey came from the democrats, the right wing nut jobs would use that as proof of impending death camps? Also, you have to marvel at how the GOP makes innocuous words sound terrifyingly evil. Like "Agenda."

As Chairman of the Republican National Committee, I am sending out this questionnaire to guage where you and other grassroots Republicans stand on the critical issues facing our nation-- I need to hear back from you right away.

I thought conservative principles and ideals were eternal. I thought issues were black and white. Who cares where your base stands on individual issues? You are supposed to do what's right no matter what the polls say. Mr. Steele, are you licking your finger and putting it into the wind here?

You know that the liberal media elites and the Obama Democrats are hoping you will put this letter down right now and do nothing...

Oh, don't worry, that is the last thing I'm going to do with it. It's funny, you know... I don't recall any of the democrat propaganda that I get in the mail saying things like "You know that the flannel-farming cousin fuckers want you to ignore this..."

They want you to give up, desert your Party, and walk away from your conservative principles.

You capitalized "party." How apropos.

I'm asking you to please not turn your back on us now.

If you didn't run away from facts and logic, my back wouldn't be turned to you...

I want you to know that the Republican Party is not dead and we are not going away.

If you have to say "it's not dead..." then it's dead.

Our ideals remain sound and our goals remain worthy.

We just need you to take this survey so we know what our ideals and goals are...

We have a strong minority in the U.S. House and in the U.S. Senate. We are using both to actively oppose and expose the truth about the Obama Democrat agenda.

So... you ARE the party of "no?"
Oh, and that "truth" that you are talking about... would your fictional death panels be included in the truths that you are exposing?

We believe that you and every one of the more than 60 million voters all across our country who did not vote for Barack Obama deserve to have a voice in the way this country is governed.

You are right, we haven't heard ANYTHING from conservatives for nearly a year now-end sarcasm

The enclosed 2010 Obama Agenda Survey is your opportunity to let Republican leaders in Washington, D.C. and all across the country know where you stand on the policies and programs being proposed by Barack Obama and his Democrat allies in Congress.

Big buildup, Mike... this better not suck.

As a REGISTERED participant in this important touchstone survey, your questionnaire answers will be used to represent a broad sampling of Republicans in your area.

Your sampling method is broken, apparently. Either that, you you are getting a REALLY broad sample of republicans. So broad, that you sent it to a liberal democrat (me).

There is so much about the Obama agenda that most Americans do not know, thanks to the non-stop, swooning coverage of the ultra-biased media.

I expect you to tell me something I don't know, then. And if you don't, then there's ANOTHER ounce of credibility that you've lost with me. Be careful, you don't have much left.

...That's why we are asking where you stand on Barack Obama's promise to raise taxes...

Vague, much?

...On his plans to give amnesty to illegal immigrants, which could lead to billions of dollars of government handouts and possibly bankrupt Social Security...

Oh, I see... you are going to be intentionally vague and not actually contribute to the growth of my personal knowledge. I got it... I'm sorry, I thought we were playing a different game. Go on...

And how do you feel about Obama's efforts to nationalize health care and have it run by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.?

Mike,buddy... Where have you been? Single payer was never on the table. They killed off the public option... and the expansion of medicare was a glimmer in our eyes for all of 10 days. How does a reform bill that increases the saturation and market share of private insurers count as nationalized health care? It's not even a matter of semantics, it's the exact polar opposite of what you are saying. You are saying the president has a vagina WHILE you are sucking his cock, bud!

Holy shit, I'm only half-way through the welcome letter...

Blah blah blah

blah blah blah blah blah

Oh, here we go...

That's why I'm asking you to include a contribution to the Republican National Committee of $500, $250, $100, $50, or even $30 along with your 2010 Obama Agenda Survey in the postage-paid envelope

You no-talent ass-hat back alley gutter whore. Postage paid, huh? Well, shit... I guess I'll put something in the mail just to transfer some of your coffers to that evil socialist post office.

Even though the media acts as though the outcome of the 2008 election was a unanimous, 100% vote in favor of Barack Obama and his liberal agenda... over 60 million Americans did not support Obama and the Democrats...

You left out the part where 69 million people didn't vote for your guy, either...
Look, you got to play leader for the first 4 years of the last decade even though your guy got less votes than our guy. Now, our guy gets 7 and a half million votes more than your guy and it's ALL about the minority voice...

Alright, here is the survey:

1. Do you agree with Barack Obama and the Democrats that taxes should be raised for the sake of "fairness," regardless of the negative impact it is likely to have on the economy?

I can't agree with them on that because that is not their position.

2. Do you believe the federal government has gone too far in bailing out failing banks, insurance companies and the auto industry?

No. A very substantial portion of those funds has been repaid and it prevented a full-scale economic collapse. I believe it was prudent and correct and I give equal praise to George Bush and Barack Obama for taking the appropriate action.

3. Do you support amnesty for illegal immigrants?


4. Should English be the official language of the United States?

I don't care one way or the other. It would not have an effect on daily life. If English were the official language, it wouldn't make Mexicans learn to speak English. I will say No just to fuck with you.

5. Are you in favor of granting retroactive Social Security eligibility to illegal immigrants who gain U.S. citizenship through an amnesty program.

Yes. They've worked here and contributed to our economic power. They should receive the benefits of that contribution.

6. Are you in favor of the expanded welfare benefits and unlimited eligibility (no time, education or work requirements) that Democrats in Congress are pushing to pass?

Yes. Specifically because your side has said that we are going to have a shitty economy forever because of the big, bad democrats. If what your side says is true, then capping welfare benefits is just cruel.

7. Do you believe that Barack Obama's nominees for federal courts should be immediately and unquestionably approved for their lifetime appointments by the U.S. Senate?

No. But I also don't think they should be delayed forever. There is a difference between moving on with the nomination process and stonewalling the nominations. You aren't providing any more debate on these nominees by holding up the process.

8. Do you believe that the best way to increase the quality and effectiveness of public education in the U.S. is to rapidly expand federal fudning while eliminating performance standards and accountability?

In short? Yes.

9. Do you support the creation of a national health insurance plan that would be administered by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.?

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

10. Do you believe that the quality and availability of health care will increase if the federal government dictates pricing to doctors and hospitals?

Absolutely. Move closer to a European model, get closer to European access, quality, and affordability.

11. Are you confident that new medicines and medical treatments will continue to be developed if the federal government controls prescription drug prices and sets profit margins for research and pharmaceutical companies?

I didn't follow you on that one... I am a little groggy from my French-developed flu shot.

12. Are you in favor of creating a government-funded "Citizen Volunteer Corps" that would pay young people to do work now done by churches and charities, earning Corps Members the same pay and benefits given to military veterans?

Fuck Yeah! That sounds AWESOME! Where do I sign up?

13. Are you in favor of reinstituting the military draft, as Democrats in Congress have proposed?

Nope... and I will venture a guess that it will never happen... why do you hate the military, Mr. Steele?

14. Do you believe that the federal government should allow the unionization of Department of Homeland Security employees who serve in positions critical to the safety and security of our nation?

If their positions are critical to the safety an security of the nation, I would definitely not want them preoccupied with worrying about whether they will get arbitrarily shit-canned... so yes.

15. Do you support Democrats' drive to eliminate workers' right to a private ballot when considering unionization of their place of employment?

Nope... hey, we agree on one thing. Go fuck yourself :-)

Time to drop this in the mail...
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Anonymous said...

"E", you have too much FREE TIME...

Your friend,

Gertrude said...

This is awesome. Did the Republican party really send it to you? I wish they'd send me one!

Cylinsier said...

I wish I had gotten one too. Can you imagine them getting these back with a ton of them answered exactly the opposite of the way they wanted?

Ellipses said...

Yeah... at first, I thought it was from Tim Murphy... but it's from Michael Steele.

I have no idea why I got it... but what I did find interesting is that it is a survey to gauge people's feelings AGAINST Obama... so naturally, the expected answers to most of the questions are "no"... But don't say they are the party of no... that's just regurgitating the liberal media elitist educated class talking point!

I recall Hannity the Manitee and Glenn Beck both spouting off about how Republicans have to vote FOR a candidate they believe in and nobody ever wins in the political arena voting against something. That actually makes a lot of sense... They should follow their own advice. Put your balls out there, but don't cry like a bitch when they get slapped :-)

Ondinita said...

That survey is magically retarded! I wanna get one too!

Cylinsier said...

We should make our own survey to send out to "democrats" but send it to Republicans. Example questions:

Glenn Beck is:
A. A massive douche
B. A huge douche
C. A prick
D. An ass clown

My feelings about the GOP are:
A. That it has really gone down hill
B. That it has hit rock bottom
C. That it has no where to go but up
D. That its best days are behind it

I do not support health care reform because:
A. I work for an insurance company and would lose a lot of money if I couldn't steal it anymore.
B. I am extremely wealthy and enjoy knowing other people suffer because I take financial advantage of the system.
C. I am not intelligent enough to understand the nuances of the debate and therefore look to media sources like Fox News to tell me what to think.
D. I am a nihilist who has grown weary of the human race and will do whatever it takes to see that it ends, starting with my own country.

Ellipses said...

That is a fabulous idea... And I think it is possible to act on... let me do some research :-)

scott said...

Priceless. i have a nagging suspicion that when Michael Steele gets up in the morning and looks in the mirror, he cries inconsolably because he realizes that, well, he's Michael Steele.