Tuesday, July 28, 2009


By Ellipses

For the past several months (ok, closer to a year) I have attributed the "birthplace" conspiracy theory to plain ole' ignorance. I can see how sister-fucking rednecks might be confused as to why a true-blue American, black or not, would ever be named Barack Obama. I mean, really... It sounds so "furrin." Hell, I know a black guy named "Tim" and his mother isn't even a white lady from Kansas!

But as the "birther" movement ebbs and flows like the conspicuous snot bubble in the nostril of an Appalachian banjo extraordinaire, I can't help but think that there is more to this story. No, there isn't more to the story of the mountains of evidence which clearly proves that Barack Obama is more American than Panamanian-born John McCain... but more to the motives of the birthers.

A couple of months ago, I watched Chris Rock's HBO special Kill the Messenger, in which Chris gives all us white folk some really priceless advice. I won't ruin it for you, but Chris details exactly when it is appropriate for white people to say the N-word. Partial Spoiler Alert: No, it's not when "they" can't hear you.

Does anyone see a disconnect in the supposition that Obama was born in Kenya? Sure, his father was Kenyan, but the fact that he actually lived in Indonesia would have led me to assume that his place of "furrin" birth would be... Indonesia.

But, of course, water-headed birther adherents would expect an Indonesian to look more like Jon from Jon & Kate than like the people that make their car doors lock. Side note - Jon is Korean, French, and Welsh.

Therefore, I posit that the "birther" story is just a way for the ignorant among us to get around the racism issue. Rather than just huff and puff and call Obama a "N," they think they are being clever in suggesting that he's REALLY not one of us. That way, the issue of his blackness never comes up. Once he's "furrin," it doesn't matter what his race is.

So, let's step out of reality and into the convoluted, but strangely simple world of the birthers.
According to the Birther's Geography of the World Handbook, the world consists of 8 countries.
Those countries are:
Kenya (also called "Africa")
The Middle East

America is the "good" one. Jesus wasn't born here, but this is where he lives. America is always right and can always kick your ass. You are either with us or you're against us. Dead or Alive.

Europe is where socialism, homosexuals, and weakness comes from. America kicked Europe's ass to become a country. In Europe, they kill you when you get too old to wait for years for communist health care.

Kenya (Africa) is where black people come from. Barack Obama is black, so he comes from Kenya and can't be president. Only Americans can be president, and in America, we don't name our kids "Barack Obama." Case Closed.

China is where bad Americans want to send our jobs. China invented electronics and math. America needs to kick China's ass.

The Middle East is where the Iraq is. We liberated the Middle East, but the only way to make sure that they love us is to kill the rest of them. "Them" = Muslims. Muslims come from the Iraq.

Mexico is all lands south of Texas. People who live in Mexico are called "Immigrants." They take all the good jobs and don't pay for health care.

Canada is "not America."

France is also "not America."

Hope that cleared things up for you... now you can save that money you would have spent on a passport because really, there's nothing to see "out there."

You're welcome. Sphere: Related Content


Cylinsier said...

You forgot Russia, which is where the soviets are hiding and waiting for the chance to return.

Ellipses said...

Russia is considered "Europe" for the sake of this argument.

Dick Mace said...

Hilarious! and at the same time sad. I used to work w/ many people who thought like this... or actually, this would be a geography lesson for them. Fortunately, they don't care enough to vote.

I would also add that France is the part of Europe where homosexuality originated.

Ellipses said...

No, I checked, France is all by itself in the middle of the Sea of France

Lauren Kelly said...

Great post. It's right on.

Ellipses said...

Thanks, tell your friends... As Mitch Hedberg said, "Of course you can swear on satellite radio because no one listens to it. You can swear in the woods, too!"

Anonymous said...

Very funny...I think you nailed the not-too-thinly veiled racism that's at the heart of the birther nonsense. Funny, but I don't remember these guys wondering whether Ronald Reagan, with that Irish last name, was actually born in Dixon, Illinois rather than Dublin.

--Brad Hundt

Lori said...

Bad a
Americans SENT our jobs, not want to send. I dare you to pick up five items near you and look where they are made. Unless it is your child it will say, "Made in China" (Thanks to past president Billy)

Cylinsier said...

On the other hand, we can be sure China will never go to war with us so long as we buy their crap as fast as they can make it.

Ellipses said...

I'm not particularly concerned with our "stuff" being made in china... I'm not sure how valuable it is to have a "Office Max Big Button Calculator" factory in your hometown... I think I'd rather be able to buy the calculator for a dollar... For some items, though, quality is king... for those things, origin is more important