Tuesday, July 28, 2009
For the past several months (ok, closer to a year) I have attributed the "birthplace" conspiracy theory to plain ole' ignorance. I can see how sister-fucking rednecks might be confused as to why a true-blue American, black or not, would ever be named Barack Obama. I mean, really... It sounds so "furrin." Hell, I know a black guy named "Tim" and his mother isn't even a white lady from Kansas!
But as the "birther" movement ebbs and flows like the conspicuous snot bubble in the nostril of an Appalachian banjo extraordinaire, I can't help but think that there is more to this story. No, there isn't more to the story of the mountains of evidence which clearly proves that Barack Obama is more American than Panamanian-born John McCain... but more to the motives of the birthers.
A couple of months ago, I watched Chris Rock's HBO special Kill the Messenger, in which Chris gives all us white folk some really priceless advice. I won't ruin it for you, but Chris details exactly when it is appropriate for white people to say the N-word. Partial Spoiler Alert: No, it's not when "they" can't hear you.
Does anyone see a disconnect in the supposition that Obama was born in Kenya? Sure, his father was Kenyan, but the fact that he actually lived in Indonesia would have led me to assume that his place of "furrin" birth would be... Indonesia.
But, of course, water-headed birther adherents would expect an Indonesian to look more like Jon from Jon & Kate than like the people that make their car doors lock. Side note - Jon is Korean, French, and Welsh.
Therefore, I posit that the "birther" story is just a way for the ignorant among us to get around the racism issue. Rather than just huff and puff and call Obama a "N," they think they are being clever in suggesting that he's REALLY not one of us. That way, the issue of his blackness never comes up. Once he's "furrin," it doesn't matter what his race is.
So, let's step out of reality and into the convoluted, but strangely simple world of the birthers.
According to the Birther's Geography of the World Handbook, the world consists of 8 countries.
Those countries are:
Kenya (also called "Africa")
The Middle East
America is the "good" one. Jesus wasn't born here, but this is where he lives. America is always right and can always kick your ass. You are either with us or you're against us. Dead or Alive.
Europe is where socialism, homosexuals, and weakness comes from. America kicked Europe's ass to become a country. In Europe, they kill you when you get too old to wait for years for communist health care.
Kenya (Africa) is where black people come from. Barack Obama is black, so he comes from Kenya and can't be president. Only Americans can be president, and in America, we don't name our kids "Barack Obama." Case Closed.
China is where bad Americans want to send our jobs. China invented electronics and math. America needs to kick China's ass.
The Middle East is where the Iraq is. We liberated the Middle East, but the only way to make sure that they love us is to kill the rest of them. "Them" = Muslims. Muslims come from the Iraq.
Mexico is all lands south of Texas. People who live in Mexico are called "Immigrants." They take all the good jobs and don't pay for health care.
Canada is "not America."
France is also "not America."
Hope that cleared things up for you... now you can save that money you would have spent on a passport because really, there's nothing to see "out there."
You're welcome. Sphere: Related Content