Thursday, July 23, 2009

Bullshit Sandwich

By Ellipses

The latest spin from the right on the topic of health care is that, surprise, we don’t ACTUALLY have a health insurance problem. That’s right, America. All this time, you have been fooled into thinking that there are hordes of uninsured people out there. Luckily, our friends on the stern side of the political spectrum have come up with a simple mathematical formula to disseminate the truth about America’s uninsured.


Now, I understand that this should need no explanation because it’s Republican Math; you know, like

Adam & Eve + 6,000 years = Today, but I will, nonetheless, go through this step-by-step.

“10.” This represents the number (in millions) of uninsured illegal aliens we have. Now, this presents a big cross-platform opportunity for the GOP. First, you can shoot down health care because we wouldn’t want to legitimize a bunch of brown people by expressly and intentionally covering their medical needs with a national health plan. Second, if we can somehow figure out how to know that a wetback is an illegal wetback instead of just a really tan guy with an accent, then we turn them away and save all the good health care for good old regular Amurkins. That leads to a third issue, which is the stimulation of the economy through the need for this Gaydar for Mexicans. Also, as the illegal population dies off from common illness and disease, that’s 10 million good, blue-collar jobs that will be available for God-fearin’ legal Americans. You know, cleaning shit houses and picking ‘maters. Or, as I’m sure Jeff Sessions would say “Black People Jobs.” On a tertiary level, this solves the welfare problem, too, because it should be EASY for a single black woman to support her kids on the salary of a Honduran

(read: Mexican) maid.

“15.” This represents the number (in millions) of prosperous, happy-go-lucky folks who say “Health Insurance? I don’t need no stinkin’ health insurance!” These are twenty-somethings who treat their bum knees and meningitis with some good old-fashioned hell-raisin’ and skirt-chasin’. These are also rational, single men who have figured out that their regular health care bills (sans emergency life or death stuff) are less than what their premiums would be, so they have made a sound business decision, free of Worshintin’ Bureaucrats, to forgo formal coverage. All of these people in this group make between 50 and 100,000 a year and they are the independent streaked backbone of America (as well as accounting for 30% of syphilis cases).

“15.” This represents the number (in millions) of people who qualify for an existing government health care coverage plan, but just don’t take advantage of it. These people are poor enough, old enough, special-needsy enough, or just black enough (again, according to Jeff Sessions) to qualify for existing French Health Care. But they are also too stupid to go get them some. And you know what Jesus said, “If you don’t want to help yourself, you can go die in the street with the Mexicans.”

“10.” This represents the number (in millions) of people who actually don’t have access to affordable health insurance and don’t qualify for a government program. You see, America, there are only FIVE PITTSBURGH’S worth of people who are a broken foot away from losing everything they have and resorting to back-alley tug jobs to buy Ramen for their kids. The liberals talk like our hordes of uninsured are a cancer on our society, when in reality, it’s merely an unsightly AIDS scab that will go away in time (like the Mexicans). Certainly, we don’t want to change the best health care system in the world (you know, the one that costs twice as much and gets you dead 3-5 years quicker than other developed nations) for a measly TEN MILLION legitimately uncovered people! I mean, let’s look at it a different way. If you took those ten million people, and represented them in seconds… one person = one second… all of them together would only add up to 4 months worth of time! Hell, that doesn’t even get you to the 4th of July, America!

So, let’s do the Republican Math. 40 million people don’t have coverage, and rightly so, because they are either Young, Dumb, or Mexican. And 10 million people don’t have coverage because of Barack Obama is a Muslim. Sphere: Related Content


Cylinsier said...

This stuff is going to age Obama even more so than being President normally ages a man. He's going to look like Morgan Freeman by the time he's done.

Ellipses said...

That's bad news for Sasha and Malia's step daughters...

Cylinsier said...

I said "look," not "act."

Ellipses said...