Townhall Sack Gaggers?

By Ellipses

It’s been about three and a half months since America was formerly introduced to the political movement now known as “teabagging.”

Of course, this movement involved people attempting to recreate the essence and flavor of the Boston Tea Party by donning copious amounts of flannel and acting a fool on courthouse steps, public squares, and BDSM clubs all across America to protest… well… something, I guess. Considering “TEA” was supposed to stand for “Taxed Enough Already,” and the fact that there is some vague correlation between the Boston Tea Party and the sack-suckers’ assertion that taxes are bad, it would appear that they are protesting something to do with taxes.

The problem is that taxes haven’t really moved in one way or another. Sure, there’s a new tax on cigarettes, but hell, that’s something that I applaud. Seriously, I quit smoking on March 31 of this year because it was becoming a financial albatross. Honestly, I’d like to find whoever came up with that particular tax and give him a big ole’ hug.

But besides a buck a pack tax on something that will cause you grow tumors and die, why the big freak out?

Well, who gives a fuck, really? Because it’s August recess, and those who formerly enjoyed placing their scrotums into the mouths of their fellow beflanneled bedfellows have moved on to a new and even less intelligible form of protest: yelling and looking scary.

Really… at townhall meetings all over the place, congress folk are getting an earful. Nobody is really sure what it is an earful OF, but it’s an earful of something. I’m guessing it’s an earful of saliva and denture paste, judging by flapping arm skin and tossled silver thatches that are becoming a hallmark of the… oh shit, this movement doesn’t have a name yet, does it?

Have you seen the movie Idiocracy? Human-kind devolves due to the tendency of the stupid to reproduce at higher rates than the educated. To mark the level of idiocy that humanity descends into, the restaurant “Fuddruckers” changes over time until it ends up being “Buttfuckers.”

Well, let’s see… if we try to make this a three-point turn, we could start at Muckrakers, evolve that to Tea Baggers, and then we need a final, over-the-top gay twist that is not so much a double entendre as it is, well… just enough to make you put your face in your hand and shake your head from the shame that you feel for watching your fellow man be so goddamn retarded. You have to be explicit about this. I thought for sure “teabagging” was blatantly obscene enough that no one would not know that it was a dig and not a prop. But of course, there are those among us who wear the teabagging badge with honor.

So, what concise label should be applied to the town hall jib-jabbers? I can’t come up with anything that is both clever and straightforward enough that it would “stick.” I am reminded of Zach Galifinakis’ character in The Hangover: “You’re too stupid to insult.” Sphere: Related Content