Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Hump Day News

By Ellipses

Obama initially tapped TV personality and closeted homosexual Glenn Beck to be his administration's "'Tard Czar," only to withdraw the appointment after the vetting process turned up the fact that Beck has not responded to allegations that he raped and murdered that girl back in the early 1990's.

I like Michelle Obama more than just about any other public figure. That said, if Barack wins re-election in 2012, I do hope that he divorces her and takes up residence at the White House with either a white woman or an Asian man. There's a segment of the population that would shit kittens over that and I would love to see it.

A super secret source within the white house leaked the opening lines of Obama's speech before a joint session of congress tonight. It reads "Grassley? Fuck you. DeMint? Fuck you. Bachmann? Fuck you with a broken bottle in the neck. This is how we do shit in Kenya, bitches."

It's the day after the great oral molestation of the nation's youth by our big, black leader. I wonder if Rick Santorum still thinks that it's creepy. I wonder if he is still weirded out over the leader of the free world telling kids to work hard and find what they are good at and exploit that talent. I wonder if his stool is still loose over Obama cuddling and kissing a miscarried fetus hours after it died... Oh, wait, nevermind...

On my way to work this morning, I saw a completely new type of road kill. A goose. Yes, a fucking GOOSE was dead and mangled in the middle of the road. I have never seen that before and I just wanted to share it with you.

Today is 09/09/09 and you know what that means... yes, that's right, Obama is a socialist muslim anti-American who tells lies to your kids via CSPAN. Woe is lady liberty, woe is the heartland.

Hey, you remember those town hall fucktards with the Obama-as-Hitler signs? Well, in Germany, they reserve the Hitler comparisons for things that ACTUALLY kill millions of people (you know, like the REAL Hitler). And even then, it offends the delicate sensibilities of the lederhosened. Makes us look like that spazzy kid with tourette syndrome, doesn't it? You know, someone cuts us off in traffic and we're like "Fucking Stalinist!" Or someone says, "Hey, why don't we do what the rest of the universe does and just have a public health care plan?" And the flannel-clad sister-fuckers cause a run on black sharpies so they can do some hillbilly photoshoppin' of some Kenyan's picture.

Speaking of Kenya, where the hell are those API tapes of Michelle Obama? Sphere: Related Content


Cylinsier said...

Ah, the API tapes. I had forgotten about those.

Ellipses said...

That would be a good idea for a t-shirt...


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